Above, Jake Pavelka, from ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’, with sexy canines and offering much more than just a rose.

Hello captain!  ABC’s new bachelor, Jake Pavelka, is a stud with searingly good looks and a killer smile.  This handsome commercial pilot from Dallas will star in his own bid for true love.  We only pray the 25 semi-smart and allegedly pretty bimbos can prove they’re worthy of his love.  We won’t be watching but we’ll be ready to hate whatever chic gets our man.  Good luck Jake!

Beyoncé Knowles, above, poses in ballet boots for an “I Am… Sasha Fierce” album photo shoot.

Beyoncé Knowles; singer, songwriter, record producer, model, actress, and overall diva extraordinaire–the maker of catchy hits that clog up your FM like locals at a check cashing on Friday–is at it again with Sweet Dreams.  And with a saucy video to go along with her new beat, Beyoncé tries ever so hard to win you over in what she would like you to believe is a highly conceptual piece of motion art.  Too bad the video came from K-mart and the best idea was stolen.

By now, you’ve all seen it, but lets recap.

The video for Sweet Dreams starts out with our gal looking as though she is having a fit while trying aggressively to get much needed beauty sleep.  Soon we are transported into some techno-sandstorm-themed desert-paradise where the video begins to look promising…but only just.

Thirty-eight seconds in–as the dance moves become dreary and her back is forcefully accelerated into awkward positions at the sound of each beat–you begin to realize that Beyoncé may have left her mademoiselle, Sasha, at home on the mantle.

Continue to watch, and feel the infliction.  As if dull and tired choreography was not enough of a gash to our sensitive, black heart, Knowles decided to add insult to injury by desecrating the house of Gareth Pugh, in the form of cut-copy-paste.

As you scratch your temple in confusion, trying to figure out who this Gareth Pugh is, we encourage you not to fret for we shall tell you!  You may not know who this genius is but you should–especially if you find Sweet Dreams in any way visually tantalizing.

Gareth Pugh is a fresh and young, avant-garde fashion designer from the UK–and–in response to the harsh economic times being felt globally and in response to shear creative thirst, Gareth Pugh constructed a highly conceptual film to showcase his Fall/Winter 2009 collection in lieu of putting on a traditional and expensive runway show.

Naturally, the results were nothing short of amazing.  In fact, it’s easy to see why Miss Bootylicious would want to replicate such stunning art.  However, and unfortunately for her, it became a knockoff rather than a knockout.

Don’t believe us?  First watch Gareth Pugh’s Fall/Winter 2009 fashion show, and then watch Beyoncé’s Sweet Dreams. We think this order best illustrates the point.

Gareth Pugh for Fall/Winter 2009

Beyoncé – Sweet Dreams

After watching both, it’s pretty clear from where Beyoncé got the “inspiration” to have choppy, reverse-forward, mirrored motion, and silky, flowing, wind-pampered fabrics.  But, what takes the kicker is  just how desperately the rest of the low-budget video was trying to keep up with the only good concept that was featured.  A concept that was only half executed and was never hers.

As our dear friend, Chris Crocker, would say, “Keep it cute, or put it on mute!”

Never the less, there will be many who adore the video and all it’s qualities.  We, at JAWKSTRAP, beg to differ.  It may have taken carefully assessing eyes but once we noticed the blatant rip of Gareth Pugh’s Fall/Winter 2009 fasion video, we realized how dull the creative platform at Kentucky Fried Beyoncé really is.

While we still love Beyoncé dearly, she needs to call Sasha and ask her for her Fierce back!

Above: Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey looses her cool at a dinner party one evening.

I’ve never been one for Reality TV or its drama-craving fans who sit two feet in front of the set watching for the latest battle to unfold.

Fans who stuff their face with popcorn while they wait in hopeful glee that in a fit of volatile cattiness, someone on the show gets slapped in the face and gets their *blonde-is-really-not-your-color*, lace-front wig pulled off and thrown to the ground–and if they’re lucky–in front of their bastard children who already act a little too grown up for their age. And in New Jersey … it’s worse!

The real housewives of “that side of town” proved just how awful that armpit of state really is (We love you New Jersey!).  And if you don’t believe me, just take Miss Big Hair (above) for example.

Bitch loses her cool over the dumbest shit that she clearly had a hand in just before slamming well-manicured fists on a dining table that costs more than my tax return and promptly flipping it over in a rage that apparently made her husband very horny that night. Die (No. I really don’t mean that — at least I shouldn’t).

How is it that people can watch these bimbos and all of their tomfoolery?

I’ve seen overweight pandas locked in a cage act more sensibly than these idiots. But as it seems, reality TV is catching like H1N1 and I’m caught in the path of this purportedly unscripted, cocaine-induced genre that is quickly becoming the spectacle of choice among avid TV watchers.

I’ve started to hate myself each time I chuckle or laugh with these nimrods as they try ever so hard to “act normally”.  I want to run away and not fall victim to the renewing power of cheap daily comedy at someone else’s expense, but this circus is in some ways inescapable and your Samsung LED flat-screen will end up force feeding Reality TV to you one way or another.

Of course not all Reality  TV is as ghastly and  lively as the picture I have painted above, but it sure seems that way. By the way; Don’t you just love NeNe from the Real Housewives of Atlanta??

NeNe, How you dooowehh??