Mother natures and company dropped several feet of snow on DC twice and got the name Snowpocalypse among others.

Snow-ver kill, snow-verload, or just plain snow-ver it, it’s pretty safe to say that most residents of the mid-atlantic are sick of the abundant white powder that has plagued the city like fat woman at a new Krispy Kreme opening.

That mostly worthless public transit system we so lovingly call WMATA–the feminine entity that promises to open doors but only ends up slamming them shut in your face–is at best a lazy and complacent fat ass becoming more worthless and less useful. Yes, I said it!

First, it was her inability to make a profit even when charging some of the highest fares in the country. Then, it was the “safety problems.” Now, it’s her inherent inability to function under two feet of snow. What good is it to have a day (or 9) off if you cant even go out via the trains? Sounds more like pain, minus the gain.

Note this under: “Useful but irritating FYI”. DC charges a $500 fine for not clearing your side walk; Alexandria only fines you $25 but then charges to remove all the snow for you. But if you had to shovel you realized it hurts.

It’s the only workout I can think of that not only feels horrible after but shows no physical benefit. No toning. No firming. No sculpting. Just no.

All you get is an unchanged pocketbook from the fines you saved yourself from, and too much pain to do a real workout.  Adding insult to carpal tunnel and injury, there isn’t an ounce of fabulous eye candy to motivate you and, unfortunately, Lululemon’s cute workout gear is not at all suitable.

Despite the combination of snow shovels and daily yoga practice, the addition of the freezing cold, house arrest, and sheer boredom seemed to result in heroin-like withdrawals from carbohydrates. This, says my fat, lazy ass.

Shovel. Redeeming myself as a statuesque beauty I almost didn’t need falsies when all was said and done.

Gravity. Normally my dealings with gravity involve anti-cellulite creams, firming serum, and squats (In other words, my dealings with gravity are all about defying it); however, I have no creams or serums or special techniques to keep the roof up, the icicles from falling, or the shingles attached and happy.

If you wanted to see comedy, imagine me walking through Old Town cowering from six foot shards of ice, glacial down pours, and falling slate shingles which all equal one big NO NOT CUTE and good day to you too!

So next time someone says, mentions, utters, reveals, sings, hums that they are dreaming of a white Christmas, they better be thinking about a circuit party somewhere down in Miami, otherwise I’m gonna tell them what they can do with the damn snow and their icicle.

Toodles!

The legendary British fashion designer Lee McQueen of Alexander McQueen and McQ

The devastating news that 40-year-old, British fashion designer, Lee McQueen of Alexander McQueen, had been found dead at his luxury flat in Mayfair, central London, hit early today and sent a gloomy, mournful cloud over the fashion world.

The web filled with information about the fallen legend from all direction.  Pictures came next and it was particularly hard to escape the agony that was written across the face of a man with blond hair who was said to be McQueen’s boyfriend.

The doleful tears both outside his London flat and at his headquarters in Farringdon conveyed the deep feeling of emptiness and pain and loss.

McQueen had been under great strain from the death of his mother, Joyce, just days ago (Feb. 2) and was said to have been taking it very badly.  Style.com’s Tim Blank’s writes:

“It’s awful to imagine him trying—and failing—to cope, and one can only hope that, if he was looking for peace, he found it.”

The boys at JAWKSTRAP, like many, are simply devastated and in deep thought.  We can’t describe the mark Alexander McQueen left on us and surely the world. We just can’t. But Tim Blanks took the time to compose a beautiful write up and we think it best to direct you there.

Alexander McQueen – RIP by Style.com’s Tim Blanks

Above: The iPad which we left in color; a rarity not often seen on the black-and-white-laden JAWKSTRAP

So it’s here (not that we didn’t know it was coming).  And despite it’s title, it doesn’t have Maxi or wings.

With less-than-stellar naming skills, California’s local fruit vendor introduced the iPad, yesterday at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco.  As indicated by perky hatred for it’s handle and the sheer and overall disappointment, the tech community began it’s love/hate bash and everyone else followed by issuing neat, hashtagged 140 character (or less) tweets that chirped like sarcasm on a rainy day.

We think it’s safe to say the iPad didn’t generate quite the reaction we’re sure the design mavens in Cupertino had intended.  We’ve already started seeing less-than-savvy posts on how undeniably, ridiculously, devastatingly hilarious it would be for Russian street hookers to start rushing in to American WalMarts demanding they be sold an iPad to plug up their heavy Slavic flows.  More on that, never.

If we had to aggregate all the features and sum up the iPad in one word, it would be, potential.

This “magical” mobile device has massive potential, in fact, it may have too much “potential” and not enough “possible”.

Everyone who hasn’t been completely blinded by it’s beauty (and it’s really quite beautiful) has been clever enough to see how much of a miss Apple’s version of a netbook just really is.

To begin, the iPad is using the iPhone OS which, we must say, is the greatest smartphone OS…when left on a smartphone.  However, this gripe only pales in comparison when you realize the big glossy thing stomachs no multitasking which was painful on the iPhone but a downright sin on the iPad.

Someone needs to email the queens at Apple and let them know they can’t bill the iPad as a device that’s a step down from a full fledged laptop yet a step up from a netbook but will burp, bark, bite, and boo if you try to make it run more than one app at a time.  The boys need to be able to stream Pandora while browsing through the latest collection of aussieBum undies and tweeting their hearts out.  It’s a must!

One app per time seems like teasing and we don’t like to be teased when we invest our hard earned coins into the number one mobile devices company in the world.

Next, the iPad has no Flash. Again, painful on the iPhone but a sin on the iPad.  How do they expect us to watch Christopher Gorham, or Zachary Quinto, or Mark Salling, or Mario Lopez, or Ian Somerhalder, or Joel McHale, or Eric Mabius, or Mehcad Brooks, or Tom Welling, or Chace Crawford, or Nick Zano, or Enver Gjokaj, or Taye Diggs, or Matthew Bomer, or Justin Hartley, or Tahmoh Penikett, or Jonathan Waud, or the many other come-hard-jerk-wet men of TV and playing on Hulu without bloody Flash?

Lastly (at least for now), where is the flipping camera? Indicated not only in the newly-released iPhone SDK 3.2 (via MacRumors) but also within Grindr, is the ability to take photos within the app. It’ll be a mystery how any one can do this if there’s no iSight atop this fancy unit; which begs the question…

Why make iPhone apps backwards compatible with the iPad if the iPad can’t do “everything” the iPhone can; like take in-app pics?

So in conclusion; it’s thin, it’s light, it’s gorg’, it’s fast…blazing fast.  And yet, you can do almost no more with it than you could on your iPhone on a really good day.

It really is a remarkable device but we can’t help beating ourselves over the heads, grappling with how Apple could’ve possibly presented such a major fail.

We really want one…bad.  But lack of multitasking and Flash are pretty much deal breakers if they don’t make it into iPads that will soon begin shipping and judging by the what we’re hearing, the rest of the community agrees.

And while we haven’t yet reached a point where big tech companies can send out an update that wills your mobile devices to grow new apparatuses like cameras for your naughty usage, 2 of 3 can be fixed via an OS update.

Apple, listen.

Above: The umbra witch, Bayonetta strikes us a pose in front of a full moon with her trusty pistol ‘Sage’ in hand.

Bayonetta is a 500 year old witch that looks like a young porn star version of Sarah Palin with legs for days and I am convinced that she was created by the queens over at Sega just for us.

This bitch is some serious fierce and everything about her character design from her skin tight body suit fashioned magically from her own luscious locks all the way to her six inch gun toting heels is exquisite. And don’t even get me started on her jaunting ultra sexpot gait.

With all of those pixels bouncing around she could be mincing up new born babies on a runway covered with broken glass and people would still be cheering and coming all over themselves.

Ridiculous camera angles, absurd bodily proportions and lusty bedroom comments aside, Bayonetta is quite an interesting game to play. The battle engine, while requiring little to no skill whatsoever to master, is a beautifully tuned machine complete with special moves and finishers that are interesting, innovative and gorgeous to watch. The environments that you encounter are very linear but vast, well designed and full of little details. The enemy characters in the game are also quite something to behold. Angels that look like monsters don’t make you feel too bad about literally kicking some angel ass.

While the story-line for the game is probably its weakest aspect, we don’t judge to harshly. Sometimes a game comes along that is just engaging enough to distract you from the fact that it is completely shallow … in truth; Bayonetta is a celebration of pretentious vapidity in a sense. It relies completely on its bizarre character designs, lush backdrops, and vibrant if a little repetitive battle scenes to entrance and inspire. With all of this being said, you would think that the game wouldn’t be worth it, but there is just something so fabulous about the whole thing that you can’t put it down.

Maybe it’s the giant stiletto boot that Bayonetta conjures with her hair to obliterate enemies, or that she can summon a giant guillotine to behead a solider of the angel hoard.

Maybe it’s because she can devastate opponents with their own weapons, or that she can walk on walls, or because of the end of battle kiss that she blows complete with campy floating hearts to the snap snap snap of a hundred flash bulbs like she’s at some gala event that makes us go all gaga over her. In retrospect it is probably just because she looks so vicious tranny fierce doing it all and that’s just fine with us.

Final touches being put on outside the San Francisco Yerba Buena Center for the Arts Theater where the event is taking place.

Excitement? We think so. The Apple Media Event is today and the boys are buzzing with delight and trying to keep their perfectly shaped asses planted firmly in their seats.

As many can’t be in San Francisco today–like Stephen Fry (via this tweet)–there are several places they can get a live blog fix.  Enjoy the closest thing to being present + Steve Jobs and more iPorn for your Grindr-based collection on Engadget, Gizmodo, MacRumors, CNET, The Apple Blog, Apple Insider, and Wired.

We’ll be back with the write up after lunch with Steve!

Above: The rear of the VW New Compact Coupe Hybrid Concept that may appear this Spring with the 6th generation Jetta.

Finally the coupe is here!  We’ve maintained a long-time love affair with Volkswagen and this release really excites us.

As if the design mavens at Volkswagen Headquarters in Wolfsburg Germany have been sneaking into our rooms at night, monitoring our prayers and meditations, and suddenly deciding to act upon our wishes, Volkswagen released the New Compact Coupe Hybrid–a concept boasting itself as a fuel efficient four-seater sports coupe–at the 2010 Detroit Auto Show.  NCC Porn after the jump.

The NCC is quite attractive and and in the nicest way possible, resembles a poor mans Audi, which, we must add, won’t stop us or anyone else from remortgaging the house to get one.

This slice of devious VW pie unmistakably takes it’s design cues from it’s older brother, the CC, and it’s first cousin, the Audi A5.

This makes the NCC feel rooted in elegance, premium luxury, and high efficiency but at a price that allows you to have your cake and eat it too.

Volkswagen is committed to investigating new fuel alternatives and arriving at new methods that combine sizzling performance with outstanding fuel economy and the NCC is happily a large step in that direction.

We have to add that we were a bit surprised that when given the opportunity to showcase a hybrid, Volkswagen chose to go with petrol over their much championed diesel.  Perhaps there is good reason that we are simply too gay to understand.

The German automaker has remained loyal to the hatchback and there has not been a true 2-door boot and bonnet Vee Dub coupe for generations and generations.  Golfs and GTIs are wonderful cars and represent properly done hatchbacks but we’ve always had a warm spot for handsomely equipped coupes and had dreamed of one day owning one with the shiny chrome-laden letters V and W suctioned to every accepting surface.

So we’d be lying if we said we didn’t jump up and down and kick our feet with enthusiasm like a horny girlfriend who just received word her well-hung man was being let out a month early for good behavior.

Noteworthy is the amazing drivetrain which combines seven-speed, dual-clutch auto-manual DSG transmission powered by a 148hp, 1.4-litre TSI petrol engine and a 27hp electric motor powered by a 1.1kWh lithium-ion battery.  Now despite their appearance, these numbers do not represent someone’s fake stats from a Craigslist ad in the M4M section, but rather define this auto’s performance and gives this intrinsically sexy coupe a top speed of 141mph with 0-62mph acceleration in just over 8 seconds and a combined fuel consumption of 67.2mpg with CO2 emissions of 98g/km.

That means it’s a bloody fast and highly fuel efficient means of brilliant transport for you who are sweet, gay, and car-illiterate.

Also surrounding itself in a lot of brouhaha is the fact that the NCC is a remarkably faithful preview of what the forthcoming and soon to be produced 2011 6th generation Volkswagen Jetta will look like.

Volkswagen–who according to figures published by automotive industry analysts Global Insight in November 2009, is the largest automobile maker in the world by vehicle production–has been very secretive about the new Jetta but we’re sure it’ll be stellar.

We’re hopeful that Volkswagen will produce the NCC along with the new 6th generation Jetta this Spring because we, along with the rest of the gay boys, will have our dolla billz and our coinz in hand and will be lined up outside the nearest dealership to get one.

NCC Porn

 

Above, male models from the Dior Homme Fall Winter 2004 Campaign that is now apart of the JAWKSTRAP “Borrowed Not Stolen Dynamic Images Campaign”

Thanks for reading JAWKSTRAP.  Since we can’t help gushing about this blog, let us tell you a little about what it is.

JAWKSTRAP, also indicated by a nifty yet simple keystroke-generated icon: j{s}, is an online hangout filled with verbal insanity from a group of trendy geek friends and their followers.  It’s a social playground for the modern and the progressive.

It’s no secret we like pretty boys but aside from lusting after the young and gorgeous, you’ll find well written, highly entertaining material covering new perspectives in architecture, cars, design, fashion, technology, and cheap nonsense only we can find.

We try to mix serious information with a bit of hilarity and down right crude and vulgar behavior.

We find that it’s best to fuse a Dior Homme skinny tie with an iPhone loading Grindr in one hand and the stearing wheel of a Volkswagen Golf in the other.

We’re political but never correct.  If we had a rating, it would be NR. If we had a location, it would be Washington DC.  And despite beliefs on gays being loud and bright, if we had a color it would be black.

We are a neatly packaged, multi-networked, editorial style publication.  Our posts are divided into categories and if you’d like to, you can read their descriptions by clicking below.

Categories

Enjoy, and don’t forget your jawkstrap!

Cheers!

Above, an iPhone user poses for a “mobile phone pic” shortly before uploading it to the ever popular site Guys With iPhones

Welcome to the premier issue of Guys With iPhones Black and White.  We at JAWKSTRAP are very excited to showcase this online publication of some of the best mobile pics uploaded to Guys With iPhones.  Many man hours were spent correcting, cropping, editing, and designing this magazine and of course making it black and white.  We hope you enjoy it and encourange you to comment, share, and tweet about GWiP B+W Issue 01.

Guys with iPhones Black and White is an independent publication and is not affiliated with the lovely boys at guyswithiphones.com

Contains nudity.

GWiP B+W Issue 01

It’s just like a magazine. Click the first image or jump around. Either way, you can turn pages once in gallery mode.

 

Above: iPhone 3G we conveniently borrowed from Purplelime’s photostream on Flickr.

So I’m sitting in L’Enfant Plaza Metro Station playing some random game on my iPhone while waiting for my train.  Not long after my game completely seizes my attention, some idiot-boy calls out from somewhere above, “Aye yo? Aye son? Aye dawg? Aye slim? Aye? Aye? Aye?”

At first, I wasn’t certain he was calling out to me.  Doubt quickly turns into me hoping, wishing he isn’t talking to me.  And then he calls out again, and I have no choice but to assume it’s me he wants.

Unfortunately for him, I do not respond to, “Aye yo?” or any of it’s counterparts so I filled my head with thoughts of him going and fucking off in some dark pit of the world where Pterodactyls still exist.

Finally, some lady taps me and says, “I think he is trying to attract your attention.”  I shoot her a look and force my head to glance up at him standing at the climax of some escalator.

I peer through my suspiciously black shades just long enough for him to blurt out, “Aye? You tryn’ sell dah?”  ”Dah” being my iPhone and “Dah?” being my response.

WTF is “Dah” and WTF is wrong with these people?  Have they no reflection in the mirror to see what they look like?  No ears to hear what they sound like?  Thank God Steve Jobs gave us “An deez too”.  ”An deez too” being iPhone headphones!

Above, Pharrell Williams of The Neptunes and N.E.R.D — a much more fabulous bag lady than the one mentioned below.

So the dance music is blasting so forcefully into my ears that I’m almost certain my $99 v-moda headphones are causing irreversible damage.   The beats continue yet they are still unable to assuage and mask the deranged conversation some lunatic-Slavic woman is seemingly having with herself.

She seems as though she is ready to topple over from the amount of bags she has with her.  She is a bag lady and her bags threaten to consumer her.

She is boisterous and frightening.   Her hair looks like someone decided it would be cute to microwave it on high and then let it simmer in the oven on Regulo 2.  She is frantically screaming at some unseen person who–from the looks and sounds of it–she believes has confused her itinerary.

She is carrying, hoisting, rolling many large bags that would surely scare even a customs officer at an Air Jamaica terminal.   She abandons the bags to quickly run over to a bus timetable to check times.   Appearing to be disappointed by the information she then flies out in front of a bus that had every intent to keep on going but was probably afraid of touching the garish and horribly dry Brillo Pad atop her head.

She steps up into the bus like a mad woman and has a short confab with the driver (probably about a Tickle Me Elmo doll and if trees really grow upside down on Mars).   Seconds later she steps off the bus and reunites with her army of bags (photo).   She crams each over, under her arms and her person and wheels the large one away while screaming back at that invisible person who, like everything else, is proceeding very quickly in her opposite direction.