Mother natures and company dropped several feet of snow on DC twice and got the name Snowpocalypse among others.

Snow-ver kill, snow-verload, or just plain snow-ver it, it’s pretty safe to say that most residents of the mid-atlantic are sick of the abundant white powder that has plagued the city like fat woman at a new Krispy Kreme opening.

On the other hand, for those over-optimistic Pollyanna’s out there who need reminding why snow sucks in the city, read on.

That mostly worthless public transit system we so lovingly call WMATA–the feminine entity that promises to open doors but only ends up slamming them shut in your face–is at best a lazy and complacent fat ass becoming more worthless and less useful. Yes, I said it!

First, it was her inability to make a profit even when charging some of the highest fares in the country. Then, it was the “safety problems.” Now, it’s her inherent inability to function under two feet of snow. What good is it to have a day (or 9) off if you cant even go out via the trains? Sounds more like pain, minus the gain.

Note this under: “Useful but irritating FYI”. DC charges a $500 fine for not clearing your side walk; Alexandria only fines you $25 but then charges to remove all the snow for you. But if you had to shovel you realized it hurts.

It’s the only workout I can think of that not only feels horrible after but shows no physical benefit. No toning. No firming. No sculpting. Just no.

All you get is an unchanged pocketbook from the fines you saved yourself from, and too much pain to do a real workout.  Adding insult to carpal tunnel and injury, there isn’t an ounce of fabulous eye candy to motivate you and, unfortunately, Lululemon’s cute workout gear is not at all suitable.

Despite the combination of snow shovels and daily yoga practice, the addition of the freezing cold, house arrest, and sheer boredom seemed to result in heroin-like withdrawals from carbohydrates. This, says my fat, lazy ass.

Shovel. Redeeming myself as a statuesque beauty I almost didn’t need falsies when all was said and done.

Gravity. Normally my dealings with gravity involve anti-cellulite creams, firming serum, and squats (In other words, my dealings with gravity are all about defying it); however, I have no creams or serums or special techniques to keep the roof up, the icicles from falling, or the shingles attached and happy.

If you wanted to see comedy, imagine me walking through Old Town cowering from six foot shards of ice, glacial down pours, and falling slate shingles which all equal one big NO NOT CUTE and good day to you too!

So next time someone says, mentions, utters, reveals, sings, hums that they are dreaming of a white Christmas, they better be thinking about a circuit party somewhere down in Miami, otherwise I’m gonna tell them what they can do with the damn snow and their icicle.

Toodles!

The legendary British fashion designer Lee McQueen of Alexander McQueen and McQ

The devastating news that 40-year-old, British fashion designer, Lee McQueen of Alexander McQueen, had been found dead at his luxury flat in Mayfair, central London, hit early today and sent a gloomy, mournful cloud over the fashion world.

The web filled with information about the fallen legend from all direction.  Pictures came next and it was particularly hard to escape the agony that was written across the face of a man with blond hair who was said to be McQueen’s boyfriend.

The doleful tears both outside his London flat and at his headquarters in Farringdon conveyed the deep feeling of emptiness and pain and loss.

McQueen had been under great strain from the death of his mother, Joyce, just days ago (Feb. 2) and was said to have been taking it very badly.  Style.com’s Tim Blank’s writes:

“It’s awful to imagine him trying—and failing—to cope, and one can only hope that, if he was looking for peace, he found it.”

The boys at JAWKSTRAP, like many, are simply devastated and in deep thought.  We can’t describe the mark Alexander McQueen left on us and surely the world. We just can’t. But Tim Blanks took the time to compose a beautiful write up and we think it best to direct you there.

Alexander McQueen – RIP by Style.com’s Tim Blanks

Above: The iPad which we left in color; a rarity not often seen on the black-and-white-laden JAWKSTRAP

So it’s here (not that we didn’t know it was coming).  And despite it’s title, it doesn’t have Maxi or wings.

With less-than-stellar naming skills, California’s local fruit vendor introduced the iPad, yesterday at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco.  As indicated by perky hatred for it’s handle and the sheer and overall disappointment, the tech community began it’s love/hate bash and everyone else followed by issuing neat, hashtagged 140 character (or less) tweets that chirped like sarcasm on a rainy day.

We think it’s safe to say the iPad didn’t generate quite the reaction we’re sure the design mavens in Cupertino had intended.  We’ve already started seeing less-than-savvy posts on how undeniably, ridiculously, devastatingly hilarious it would be for Russian street hookers to start rushing in to American WalMarts demanding they be sold an iPad to plug up their heavy Slavic flows.  More on that, never.

If we had to aggregate all the features and sum up the iPad in one word, it would be, potential.

This “magical” mobile device has massive potential, in fact, it may have too much “potential” and not enough “possible”.

Everyone who hasn’t been completely blinded by it’s beauty (and it’s really quite beautiful) has been clever enough to see how much of a miss Apple’s version of a netbook just really is.

To begin, the iPad is using the iPhone OS which, we must say, is the greatest smartphone OS…when left on a smartphone.  However, this gripe only pales in comparison when you realize the big glossy thing stomachs no multitasking which was painful on the iPhone but a downright sin on the iPad.

Someone needs to email the queens at Apple and let them know they can’t bill the iPad as a device that’s a step down from a full fledged laptop yet a step up from a netbook but will burp, bark, bite, and boo if you try to make it run more than one app at a time.  The boys need to be able to stream Pandora while browsing through the latest collection of aussieBum undies and tweeting their hearts out.  It’s a must!

One app per time seems like teasing and we don’t like to be teased when we invest our hard earned coins into the number one mobile devices company in the world.

Next, the iPad has no Flash. Again, painful on the iPhone but a sin on the iPad.  How do they expect us to watch Christopher Gorham, or Zachary Quinto, or Mark Salling, or Mario Lopez, or Ian Somerhalder, or Joel McHale, or Eric Mabius, or Mehcad Brooks, or Tom Welling, or Chace Crawford, or Nick Zano, or Enver Gjokaj, or Taye Diggs, or Matthew Bomer, or Justin Hartley, or Tahmoh Penikett, or Jonathan Waud, or the many other come-hard-jerk-wet men of TV and playing on Hulu without bloody Flash?

Lastly (at least for now), where is the flipping camera? Indicated not only in the newly-released iPhone SDK 3.2 (via MacRumors) but also within Grindr, is the ability to take photos within the app. It’ll be a mystery how any one can do this if there’s no iSight atop this fancy unit; which begs the question…

Why make iPhone apps backwards compatible with the iPad if the iPad can’t do “everything” the iPhone can; like take in-app pics?

So in conclusion; it’s thin, it’s light, it’s gorg’, it’s fast…blazing fast.  And yet, you can do almost no more with it than you could on your iPhone on a really good day.

It really is a remarkable device but we can’t help beating ourselves over the heads, grappling with how Apple could’ve possibly presented such a major fail.

We really want one…bad.  But lack of multitasking and Flash are pretty much deal breakers if they don’t make it into iPads that will soon begin shipping and judging by the what we’re hearing, the rest of the community agrees.

And while we haven’t yet reached a point where big tech companies can send out an update that wills your mobile devices to grow new apparatuses like cameras for your naughty usage, 2 of 3 can be fixed via an OS update.

Apple, listen.

Above: The umbra witch, Bayonetta strikes us a pose in front of a full moon with her trusty pistol ‘Sage’ in hand.

Bayonetta is a 500 year old witch that looks like a young porn star version of Sarah Palin with legs for days and I am convinced that she was created by the queens over at Sega just for us.

This bitch is some serious fierce and everything about her character design from her skin tight body suit fashioned magically from her own luscious locks all the way to her six inch gun toting heels is exquisite. And don’t even get me started on her jaunting ultra sexpot gait.

With all of those pixels bouncing around she could be mincing up new born babies on a runway covered with broken glass and people would still be cheering and coming all over themselves.

Ridiculous camera angles, absurd bodily proportions and lusty bedroom comments aside, Bayonetta is quite an interesting game to play. The battle engine, while requiring little to no skill whatsoever to master, is a beautifully tuned machine complete with special moves and finishers that are interesting, innovative and gorgeous to watch. The environments that you encounter are very linear but vast, well designed and full of little details. The enemy characters in the game are also quite something to behold. Angels that look like monsters don’t make you feel too bad about literally kicking some angel ass.

While the story-line for the game is probably its weakest aspect, we don’t judge to harshly. Sometimes a game comes along that is just engaging enough to distract you from the fact that it is completely shallow … in truth; Bayonetta is a celebration of pretentious vapidity in a sense. It relies completely on its bizarre character designs, lush backdrops, and vibrant if a little repetitive battle scenes to entrance and inspire. With all of this being said, you would think that the game wouldn’t be worth it, but there is just something so fabulous about the whole thing that you can’t put it down.

Maybe it’s the giant stiletto boot that Bayonetta conjures with her hair to obliterate enemies, or that she can summon a giant guillotine to behead a solider of the angel hoard.

Maybe it’s because she can devastate opponents with their own weapons, or that she can walk on walls, or because of the end of battle kiss that she blows complete with campy floating hearts to the snap snap snap of a hundred flash bulbs like she’s at some gala event that makes us go all gaga over her. In retrospect it is probably just because she looks so vicious tranny fierce doing it all and that’s just fine with us.

Final touches being put on outside the San Francisco Yerba Buena Center for the Arts Theater where the event is taking place.

Excitement? We think so. The Apple Media Event is today and the boys are buzzing with delight and trying to keep their perfectly shaped asses planted firmly in their seats.

As many can’t be in San Francisco today–like Stephen Fry (via this tweet)–there are several places they can get a live blog fix.  Enjoy the closest thing to being present + Steve Jobs and more iPorn for your Grindr-based collection on Engadget, Gizmodo, MacRumors, CNET, The Apple Blog, Apple Insider, and Wired.

We’ll be back with the write up after lunch with Steve!

Above: The Apple Store Upper West Side on Broadway in New York City and the future headquarters of JAWKSTRAP.

Boys, it’s time to put on your good underwear and get pretty and all dolled up because the Apple Media event is only days away.  As if you could pay for this type of brouhaha and verbal gyration, the tech world has been abuzz with rumors and speculation surrounding Apple’s latest and greatest secret new toys.

Fixed on the geek’s list and hopefully soon up for grabs are two new gossip-inducing iGems.

iSlate

This top secret mobile device, would be positioned to redefine print media as we know it; much the same way iTunes did for music and the iPhone did for mobility.

Besides, who doesn’t want a 10-inch mobile version of Grindr as they flick back and forth through Numéro Magazine on the way home from work?

We would also like to point out how seriously we dislike the name “iSlate” and favor “The Apple Canvas” which one clever Mac Rumors forum member thought up.  Canvas, FTW!

iPhone 4G

So maybe not 4G but a steady topic on the geek’s list is an all new iPhone and more specifically, one that runs on the ever reliable but terribly outdated CDMA Verizon.  Also, it seems clear that it makes no difference that AT&T is a better overall company than Verizon.  People want it now and want it everywhere and it shows.

iPhone users are hanging by a thread, waiting impatiently to slap the white off AT&T’s teeth and drop kick their “Rollover Minutes” to bask in the ambience of  ”Verizon does.”

Clearly connectivity is king.  And take no notice of us, but we sure did find it interesting that AT&T has stopped all -IN-YOUR-FACE advertising, marketing, and overall “pushing” of their flagship mobile phone on their website.  Perhaps we have reached the end of multi-year exclusivity?  Just a thought.  VZW, FTW!

Join us for pink lemonade and our continued coverage of Apple’s Media Event.

Oh, and…don’t forget your JAWKSTRAP.

Above: The rear of the VW New Compact Coupe Hybrid Concept that may appear this Spring with the 6th generation Jetta.

Finally the coupe is here!  We’ve maintained a long-time love affair with Volkswagen and this release really excites us.

As if the design mavens at Volkswagen Headquarters in Wolfsburg Germany have been sneaking into our rooms at night, monitoring our prayers and meditations, and suddenly deciding to act upon our wishes, Volkswagen released the New Compact Coupe Hybrid–a concept boasting itself as a fuel efficient four-seater sports coupe–at the 2010 Detroit Auto Show.  NCC Porn after the jump.

The NCC is quite attractive and and in the nicest way possible, resembles a poor mans Audi, which, we must add, won’t stop us or anyone else from remortgaging the house to get one.

This slice of devious VW pie unmistakably takes it’s design cues from it’s older brother, the CC, and it’s first cousin, the Audi A5.

This makes the NCC feel rooted in elegance, premium luxury, and high efficiency but at a price that allows you to have your cake and eat it too.

Volkswagen is committed to investigating new fuel alternatives and arriving at new methods that combine sizzling performance with outstanding fuel economy and the NCC is happily a large step in that direction.

We have to add that we were a bit surprised that when given the opportunity to showcase a hybrid, Volkswagen chose to go with petrol over their much championed diesel.  Perhaps there is good reason that we are simply too gay to understand.

The German automaker has remained loyal to the hatchback and there has not been a true 2-door boot and bonnet Vee Dub coupe for generations and generations.  Golfs and GTIs are wonderful cars and represent properly done hatchbacks but we’ve always had a warm spot for handsomely equipped coupes and had dreamed of one day owning one with the shiny chrome-laden letters V and W suctioned to every accepting surface.

So we’d be lying if we said we didn’t jump up and down and kick our feet with enthusiasm like a horny girlfriend who just received word her well-hung man was being let out a month early for good behavior.

Noteworthy is the amazing drivetrain which combines seven-speed, dual-clutch auto-manual DSG transmission powered by a 148hp, 1.4-litre TSI petrol engine and a 27hp electric motor powered by a 1.1kWh lithium-ion battery.  Now despite their appearance, these numbers do not represent someone’s fake stats from a Craigslist ad in the M4M section, but rather define this auto’s performance and gives this intrinsically sexy coupe a top speed of 141mph with 0-62mph acceleration in just over 8 seconds and a combined fuel consumption of 67.2mpg with CO2 emissions of 98g/km.

That means it’s a bloody fast and highly fuel efficient means of brilliant transport for you who are sweet, gay, and car-illiterate.

Also surrounding itself in a lot of brouhaha is the fact that the NCC is a remarkably faithful preview of what the forthcoming and soon to be produced 2011 6th generation Volkswagen Jetta will look like.

Volkswagen–who according to figures published by automotive industry analysts Global Insight in November 2009, is the largest automobile maker in the world by vehicle production–has been very secretive about the new Jetta but we’re sure it’ll be stellar.

We’re hopeful that Volkswagen will produce the NCC along with the new 6th generation Jetta this Spring because we, along with the rest of the gay boys, will have our dolla billz and our coinz in hand and will be lined up outside the nearest dealership to get one.

NCC Porn

 

Above: The much anticipated and possibly overly hyped Nexus One Android phone from Mountain View California-based Google

The Google Phone, now known as the Nexus One, drew some serious buzz and more pre-launch hype than a new Madea Goes to Jail movie at cookout on Sunday.  Many people have dubbed this “superphone” the and all and be all but we beg to differ.  iPhone killer?  We think not.  The Nexus One is a serious piece of great tech but without the finesse and refinement the iPhone enjoys in almost every aspect, we can hardly award the Google phone the title of “iPhone killer”, and much of the geekosystem agrees.

There was a certain ooh and aah when the iPhone was announced.  A united feeling that something excessively monumental just took place.

The Nexus One doesn’t have that.  But then again, maybe it doesn’t need to.  Maybe it has something greater to offer than the wild band of ugly and swollen Google Gadget followers who have nothing better to do than shit on the iPhone.

Let’s delve further.

Design

The handset is sleek the body is comprised of what appears to be two interlocking pieces; a main, dark gray housing coated in a soft-touch treatment like a rubber Incase shell (we like this) which is intersected and wrapped by a lighter gray, smooth, almost metallic band.  The overall effect is fluid, beautiful, and understandably Google.  It’s safe to say this is HTC’s best looking mobile phone to date.

Front

Besides the requisite power and volume rocker buttons, there are five “buttons” on the face: one trackball and four haptic-based touch buttons.  It pains us to admit that the trackball is ridiculously useless.  There is literally nothing in the OS that requires it and the only thing you’ll be using it for are the color-based notifications informing you that you have a new email, text message or missed call.  A nifty feature if you don’t feel like having to turn on the screen but one that still doesn’t excuse the pointless Sidekick-like ball.

The verdict is not much better for the four touch buttons–back, menu, home, and search.  The target areas seem to be to high causing you to accidentally tap them when composing an email or miss them when tapping too low.  These buttons seem more concerned with providing haptic feedback than they are with actually registering your taps.

Back

Around the back you will find the generous 5-megapixel camera and LED flash.  As much as having the number 5 and megapixel in the same sentence makes you feel like dancing around the Costco parking lot because you were able to get the same sample twice, the design is a bit awkward and strangely pronounced with the camera protruding outward like a grown man’s outie belly button.  While this may seem like no biggie, this interruption in the smooth surface of the rear is just enough to either scratch surfaces that the handset is placed on or scratch the lens itself.  More on the camera later.

Screen

The Nexus One incorporates a 400 x 800 AMOLED glass capacitive touchscreen and it’s gorgeous.  Everything on the display is rich and colors pop to the point that it makes competing phones like the iPhone 3GS and the Droid look washed out and pathetic.  However, if you plan to use your Nexus One while you sunbathe and become sun kist under any sort of bright light or daytime conditions, you can forget it.  The best reaction to using the handset in well lit circumstances was “manageable” which is hardly a term that should be applied to a phone like this.

Software

Equally, if not more important than hardware, is software.  For the most part Android is an open and progressive platform but we think Apple has this in the bag.  Between the iPhone’s slick and intuitive UI and the App Store, we can’t see people clamoring to start playing web-based copy Bejeweled 2 on a Nexus One.  That’s not to say that an Android-powered device couldn’t pose some serious competition to Apple in future.

Mulitouch

There is none.  Not if you live in the U.S. at least.  We consider this a fail.  No device of this caliber should lack such an important piece of innovation.  There is nothing more we can say.

Keyboard

The Google Keyboard app has been getting less than stellar reviews.  Naturally it’s direct comparative is the iPhone’s multitouch keyboard which is widely successful and a number one on our list of mobile keyboards, period.  Interestingly enough, you can download a [better] keyboard if you are unhappy with the one that ships.  We recommend you do so.

Camera

The camera is a nice addition to the device boasting 5-megapixels and an LED flash.  This gives the Nexus One an advantage and allows it to take sharp and detailed images.  If the best camera is the one you have with you then you will be glad your brought this.

Phone

As a phone, the Nexus One isn’t dramatically different than most mobile devices you’ve probably used.  In terms of call quality and volume, it’s certainly on par with it’s peers, providing a loud, reasonably clean talking experience, though it doesn’t touch the Droid in terms of call clarity and evenness and this is thanks, mostly to Verizon.

Final Thoughts

Kudos to Google for launching this device and sending everyone back to the board in a good old game of friendly competition.  This little piece of tech is a good first step for Google and despite our strong words, we like the Nexus One.  It’s a great mobile device with a few flaws and kinks that would be barely noticeable if there were no such thing as the iPhone.

Above: Downtown San Jose at night which may look like a metropolitan city but don’t let that fool you into not having a car.

Welcome to California! Drive…don’t walk!

This past holiday, I spent my time vacationing in San Francisco’s little brother which has a myriad of names including; San Jose, Silicon Valley, The Bay Area, and Little Saigon. But we won’t go into the latter.  And I should also mention that [this] is the part of California we don’t see splashed across Bravo or making headlines on TMZ.  This is the hi-tech arena where faces like Apple, Facebook, Google, and Twitter live and where I’m happy to say I’m from.

This holiday season was a bit limp and felt like I decided to take a shower in warm battery acid while wanking off and eating stale bread. Needless to say I was enthralled when the opportunity came to visit family and escape the wrath of the cold and snow that was being forced on the East like a fake smile you throw as you walk past the cubicle of that co-worker you hate and wish would get himself fired.

Naturally I procrastinated until the last minute and then I packed just hours before my flight.  I checked in online so as to make getting through the channels as easy as possible.

When I arrived at Ronald Reagan International, I suddenly realized how many cute guys where available at that hour.  As I made my way to airport security, I could see that “Shameeka” and “LaTania”–the two TSA agents at the front–were mucking it up.  They were keekeeing  and hollering and yes girling and mmhmmming.

For a brief moment I felt nervous that these two weave-bearing idiots where the ones in charge of stopping potential terror attempts but thankfully they were only checking boarding passes.

Soon I was through security and fastening my seatbelt attached to a Continental ExpressJet that would be chauffeuring me to my connecting flight.  I would have much preferred to fly gay-friendly and geeks-paradise Virgin America–my airline of choice–but because of last minute arrangements, I had to settle with Continental.

My flight attendant was this older, blonde, and lively-looking thing named Robbie and reminded me of Blanche from the Golden Girls which meant that she was immediately my new best friend.

After the cabin door was shut and Robbie had completed her crosscheck for departure, she came over the mic and said in a sexy, sultry voice, “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome aboard Continental Flight 2890 to Newark Liberty International. If you suddenly realized that you are on the wrong flight, just sit back and enjoy the ride with us.  My name is Robbie and this is not my day job.  Flight time will be one hour. That’s one hour, gate to gate, wheels up wheels down. I will be dimming the lights because I have found that everyone looks better that way. Enjoy your flight.”

Smiling with glee from her obvious humor, I realized I was in love with this woman and wanted to take her home and show her off like a shiny new boyfriend who would hopefully last longer than the two prior.

In two clicks we were at Newark Liberty International and Robbie came over the mic again. “Welcome to Newark Liberty ladies and gentlemen.  Please remember to check around you including the seat pocket in front of you. If you do decide to leave or forget something please leave something I like.  I want to thank you for choosing Continental. I enjoyed serving you today and if you enjoyed my service my name is Robbie and if you didn’t my name is Anita.”

As I neared the exit of the plane, I nearly grabbed Robbie along with me to my connecting flight. She. Was. Amazing.

Fast-forward…

Basking in the overall warmth of California, I typically started my day by catapulting myself into a large plush sofa with an AT&T U-Verse remote in one hand and my iPhone flipping between Twitter and Grindr in the other.

Nearly everyday after receiving a tray with my morning fuel (aka breakfast) I would crack open my 15-inch 2.53GHz MacBook Pro with 4GB of DDR3 RAM that is less than one year old but is now obsolete by Apple’s standards and begin my decent into the interwebs.

As I surfed, blogged, tweeted, and shared, there was usually a radio on somewhere in my vicinity playing a talk radio station (e.g. KGO or KCBS — Bay Area people seem to be all about their talk radio).  The news and topics were always pretty interesting but for some reason, every 8 minutes, they had to make a comment about the much-rumored Apple tablet (unofficially iSlate) and the Google Nexus One, and it was continuous.

Don’t get me wrong, I was just as excited as they were about the Nexus One and especially the iSlate, but being beaten over the head with it at that frequency like a cheap whore who lost the money and tried to run was more that my vacation’s worth.

Eventually the brouhaha settled down to a very loud hum on the day Google held it’s media event which I had the opporunity to watch live.  Shortly after the debut, every talk radio station immediately found something better to talk about like the Nexus One was a been there and done that.

Makes you wonder if the Google Nexus One killed the iPhone or if the iPhone killed it. Huh?

Read the Reviews, Reactions and Reposts on the Google Nexus One after the jump but one thing of note before that.

California–the Northern part at least–is never completely dark at night.  And if you’re asking what I’m doing messing about outside late at night then you’ve missed the point entirely.  The “night bright” is probably due to lack of trees or stacked concrete buildings threatening to take over the sky so common on the East and this most likely allows for the full force of the moon light to explode through atmosphere. Just thought I’d mention that for the midnight cruisers.

Oh and I did enjoy my trip back to my native California but it feels damn good to be back on the East coast where I am sure to wake up drunk and stabbed at some random house party.

Now, for some Google Nexus One, click here!

Our friends at Homotography notes Volkswagen gets shockingly kinky in these Chinese ads for the famous VW GTI.  We’ve never been opposed to bit of kink and even if these ads–the brainchild of BIG Advertising: Beijing, China–don’t sell many GTIs, we’re glad for the out-of-the-box and in your face marketing.  Here’s one more for the road!  Cheers!