Above: The iPad which we left in color; a rarity not often seen on the black-and-white-laden JAWKSTRAP

So it’s here (not that we didn’t know it was coming).  And despite it’s title, it doesn’t have Maxi or wings.

With less-than-stellar naming skills, California’s local fruit vendor introduced the iPad, yesterday at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco.  As indicated by perky hatred for it’s handle and the sheer and overall disappointment, the tech community began it’s love/hate bash and everyone else followed by issuing neat, hashtagged 140 character (or less) tweets that chirped like sarcasm on a rainy day.

We think it’s safe to say the iPad didn’t generate quite the reaction we’re sure the design mavens in Cupertino had intended.  We’ve already started seeing less-than-savvy posts on how undeniably, ridiculously, devastatingly hilarious it would be for Russian street hookers to start rushing in to American WalMarts demanding they be sold an iPad to plug up their heavy Slavic flows.  More on that, never.

If we had to aggregate all the features and sum up the iPad in one word, it would be, potential.

This “magical” mobile device has massive potential, in fact, it may have too much “potential” and not enough “possible”.

Everyone who hasn’t been completely blinded by it’s beauty (and it’s really quite beautiful) has been clever enough to see how much of a miss Apple’s version of a netbook just really is.

To begin, the iPad is using the iPhone OS which, we must say, is the greatest smartphone OS…when left on a smartphone.  However, this gripe only pales in comparison when you realize the big glossy thing stomachs no multitasking which was painful on the iPhone but a downright sin on the iPad.

Someone needs to email the queens at Apple and let them know they can’t bill the iPad as a device that’s a step down from a full fledged laptop yet a step up from a netbook but will burp, bark, bite, and boo if you try to make it run more than one app at a time.  The boys need to be able to stream Pandora while browsing through the latest collection of aussieBum undies and tweeting their hearts out.  It’s a must!

One app per time seems like teasing and we don’t like to be teased when we invest our hard earned coins into the number one mobile devices company in the world.

Next, the iPad has no Flash. Again, painful on the iPhone but a sin on the iPad.  How do they expect us to watch Christopher Gorham, or Zachary Quinto, or Mark Salling, or Mario Lopez, or Ian Somerhalder, or Joel McHale, or Eric Mabius, or Mehcad Brooks, or Tom Welling, or Chace Crawford, or Nick Zano, or Enver Gjokaj, or Taye Diggs, or Matthew Bomer, or Justin Hartley, or Tahmoh Penikett, or Jonathan Waud, or the many other come-hard-jerk-wet men of TV and playing on Hulu without bloody Flash?

Lastly (at least for now), where is the flipping camera? Indicated not only in the newly-released iPhone SDK 3.2 (via MacRumors) but also within Grindr, is the ability to take photos within the app. It’ll be a mystery how any one can do this if there’s no iSight atop this fancy unit; which begs the question…

Why make iPhone apps backwards compatible with the iPad if the iPad can’t do “everything” the iPhone can; like take in-app pics?

So in conclusion; it’s thin, it’s light, it’s gorg’, it’s fast…blazing fast.  And yet, you can do almost no more with it than you could on your iPhone on a really good day.

It really is a remarkable device but we can’t help beating ourselves over the heads, grappling with how Apple could’ve possibly presented such a major fail.

We really want one…bad.  But lack of multitasking and Flash are pretty much deal breakers if they don’t make it into iPads that will soon begin shipping and judging by the what we’re hearing, the rest of the community agrees.

And while we haven’t yet reached a point where big tech companies can send out an update that wills your mobile devices to grow new apparatuses like cameras for your naughty usage, 2 of 3 can be fixed via an OS update.

Apple, listen.

Above, Pharrell Williams of The Neptunes and N.E.R.D — a much more fabulous bag lady than the one mentioned below.

So the dance music is blasting so forcefully into my ears that I’m almost certain my $99 v-moda headphones are causing irreversible damage.   The beats continue yet they are still unable to assuage and mask the deranged conversation some lunatic-Slavic woman is seemingly having with herself.

She seems as though she is ready to topple over from the amount of bags she has with her.  She is a bag lady and her bags threaten to consumer her.

She is boisterous and frightening.   Her hair looks like someone decided it would be cute to microwave it on high and then let it simmer in the oven on Regulo 2.  She is frantically screaming at some unseen person who–from the looks and sounds of it–she believes has confused her itinerary.

She is carrying, hoisting, rolling many large bags that would surely scare even a customs officer at an Air Jamaica terminal.   She abandons the bags to quickly run over to a bus timetable to check times.   Appearing to be disappointed by the information she then flies out in front of a bus that had every intent to keep on going but was probably afraid of touching the garish and horribly dry Brillo Pad atop her head.

She steps up into the bus like a mad woman and has a short confab with the driver (probably about a Tickle Me Elmo doll and if trees really grow upside down on Mars).   Seconds later she steps off the bus and reunites with her army of bags (photo).   She crams each over, under her arms and her person and wheels the large one away while screaming back at that invisible person who, like everything else, is proceeding very quickly in her opposite direction.